Yay for Ghouls

Mmmm. I love Halloween. Oh, have I mentioned that already?

The night before I spent at Rancho Nicasio, dancing madly and tearing up occasionally as Lee Press On and the Nails performed their final show ever. That's ever and always, folks. An era is dead. Sigh. Still, for those about to commit ritual suicide, don't despair. You can still catch Lee backing up the fabulous Lesley Pressley in Viva la Diva.

I sound like a bizarre press release. A good time was had by all... There were about sixteen of us there (my friends, not total audience members - the place was packed), and we just went nuts. Deb flew in from Mexico, me from Montana, and we had one guy at our table who came from Pennsylvania, just for this show. And it was so worth it. They played all night long, and they've never sounded better.

The next night was Halloween, so I headed, already hungover, for the Castro. Maybe we just left too early, but it seemed almost... ghostlike, and not in a good way. It was not the crush that I had been expecting. And a good half of the people there were just gawkers. The best costume was sushi, and I only saw one near-naked guy. And no knifings. Tame.

We left early and went back to the apartment to get really blasted and watch Bubba Ho Tep. Much fun.

Now... I'm about to leave to fly back. I don't want to go. I've been talking about the amazing beauty of Montana, and how it just rocks, but I think I've just been trying to psych myself up. I haven't been mentioning the fact that I am broke getting broker, still don't have a bathtub, and haven't met a single person I would call friend. Okay, maybe one. I just spent a wonderful weekend with my sisters and friends, and now I don't want to leave!

We'll see. Here in the Bay Area I have a friend ready and willing to move in with me, and a possible job offer as assistant dyer in a yarn warehouse. There I have a graveyard motel job and an empty house. But there's snow! And... okay, I can't come up with an and.

Sigh. I like Montana, and I like to finish what I start, but I'm just not cheery at the moment.

Comments

[Daisy-Winifred]

You know suffering really sucks, happiness is a much better place to be for both your mind and your heart. s far as I know I don't think anyone has ever said that you need to be in the same place geographically to finish something you start especially when it is about thought, ideas, imagining and creativity.

I kind of got the impression that Montana was about giving yourself the space and time to write and create images and find what needs to come out of heart and mind and if the climate, barring the snow and the possibility of freezing bits off that you didn't even know you had, is not enabling that heart and mind of yours to express what it needs to then maybe the start needs to be finished somewhere else.

You can survive almost anywhere but living needs a heart that is free to smile and sometimes finds another smiling back in return because they recognise a kindred spirit. Take care of that heart and let Montana take care of itself if it needs to but be sure if you do move away it is not away from the heart and mind that need to express themselves creatively.

It's hard enough trying to be creative when you're cold and poor but when that is compounded by few smiles of recognition from those around you

[caroline]

What D-W said! And Bethany, the times I've moved to a place where I knew not a soul, no matter what place it was, it always took about 6 months to break through to having friends. Don't know what's so magic about 6 months but it has been eerily the same no matter if it was Toronto, or Sacramento or Miami or Philly. And it somehow seems to happen all at once. So if you need to go, go and don't worry about it. It will NOT appear on your permanent record, heh. And if there's enough good to stay, it doesn't hurt to have a 'what's next?' frame of mind. I send you hugs...

[amy]

How much longer is the commitment if any?? Understandable you would be sad saying good bye to all your friends and sisters... Something to think about for sure, moving back. Or sticking it out and feeling good about having done it, chalking it up to another experience.. whatever you do you are doing what is best for YOU right? The way it should BE at this point in your life...

I caught some of your Halloween enthusiasm, painted my face green with scary eyes and warts, put on a black wig and witch hat and scared little children when they trick or treated. (Actually no, I lied, my 7 year old daughter made me solemly swear to be a NICE ugly witch.) It was fun :) And my face has never broken out so bad ;)

[Iris]

I get that same feeling every time I come back to Montana from the city and my family and old friends. Small-town Montana (Eureka, a few hours north of you, to be specific) is where I have chosen to make my home, though. I think of the opportunities that I'm missing out on in the city. I know that I could get a job and a place to stay back there... but I'm not sure that I could financially support my family here if I had to and that is a difficult reality to accept. I freely admit that if something were to happen to my DH, I would run, not walk, back to Seattle and to my family. I would miss this place and these people and the house and life that we have built here, but I've always said that there is no way that I would remain here as a single woman, even before we had children.

I'm flying back to Seattle next week and I already can anticipate the feelings I'll have upon returning. And then I get back here and drive home more than an hour from the airport without a lick of traffic and beauty all around, and come home and stoke up the woodstove, and I go to town and it takes a half hour to buy a carton of soymilk because I run into a half dozen people and everywhere we go people say hello to me and my kids by name, and it's all O.K. again until I start getting a craving for good ethnic food, or a loaded yarn store, or just walking down the street in anonymity, to name only a few things. For every hundred things I miss about the city I could think of a hundred-and-one things I love about living here in this small, and strangely diverse community. Every place has it plusses and minuses and something to offer or to teach you at the time.

During my more nomadic days living out of a car I tried to make a go of several small towns in Colorado and California. Some places didn't work out and others worked out better. Some places I stopped because I was broke, others, I left broke, or both. The city called to me many times, and I flip-flopped back and forth. It was a toss up for quite some time, but eventually, the city was the place where we stayed on a couple of years one last time to save money before we headed out to find a place to buy and build a house. We lived out of the back of a truck , too, when we moved here, by the way.

I guess I don't know what I'm getting at other than I hear what you are saying and ultimately I've chosen this big, poor, generally conservative state as my home. I have found many like minded people here, though. A few good friends at first, but it took awhile to gain a more widespread acceptance.

I envy your independence and mobility. If it doesn't feel right, just call it experience, and move on. Enjoy it. I know I did even when it wasn't all fun.

Well, welcome back, anyways.

[Marilyn]

I was getting ready to write a post about how unwelcoming my current environment has been. But then I noticed the time and realized I didn't have time for writing, but might have time to quickly read a couple of blogs...and saw this post...

Bethany, don't take the "friends" thing personally. I've moved DOZENS of times in my life and never before had the experience I'm (we're) having now--which is after 4-1/2 YEARS, we still have no friends here. I keep coming back to how much I DIDN'T want to move here. My intuiton at the time was that this was not a place that would be well-suited to me..but I didn't listen to it!

As for commitment or feeling the need to finish something...when is ANY experience truly "finished" when you really stop to think about it? All of our experiences continue to live within us and morph and mold us into our present selves. Heck, sometimes looking at a previous experience in a new light or with a different attitude can elicit a profoud change within us. I say listen to your heart and intuition and go where they tell you that you will FLOURISH...because life is way too short to wilt in any environment, especially for a feisty young woman such as yourself.

My mother and I always joke about a scene with William Hurt in "The Big Chill"...he's sitting on the couch with the video camera set up in front of him, interviewing himself. As the questioner, he asks himself why he didn't finish his degree, and he answers, "Hey, I'm not into that completion thing..." It's a motto I adopted long ago...and when I listen to it, it serves me well.

I support you in whatever decision you make.