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Blessed.June 30, 2004

What a response! At first I have to admit I felt a little chagrined – my pal that got bashed isn’t a good friend, I only see her situationally, when I’m in the City hanging with a certain group of friends. I adore her and think there’s nothing happier in this whole world than her huge laugh, and Cat playing Flip Cup is one of the great wonders of the world, but I wouldn’t call her up if I was having a bad day. I have her email, but not her cell number. You know? I started to feel like I shouldn’t be receiving such lovely, caring comments.

Then I realized that you weren’t responding because she was a close friend of mine, you were responding because you understand that it happened in my world, something that never should have happened, and should never happen again. And yet it does, and it will. Your thoughts do support her and heal her, and they support and heal me, too.

It does suck, though, huh? I sometimes forget how blessed I am to have a family that loves me, and friends that support me, and a community (online and in person) that protects me. I forget that there a whole lot of people who use the word “dyke” as an epithet. I forget that they live so close to me. I picture that kind of ignorant person living in the back of beyond, somewhere far away, having dropped out of school in third grade due to unfortunate circumstances and never having had the opportunity to learn love. I forget that that kind of hatred can be bred in affluent, well-educated families, and that they can live next door to me, and they can smile and let me go ahead of then in the grocery store line, because I don’t “look” gay.

Erg. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Can’t. I’ve always refused, flat-out, to be ruled by fear in any way. We’re all in danger at every minute. When I eat bread, I could choke. When I drive, a drunk driver could hit my car. When I walk, a tree limb could break as I’m under it. Terrorists could attack. Or Bush could start a war (no, wait....). You just have to stand tall and enjoy as much of it as you can. Right? And love.

Have I made it perfectly clear yet how wonderful my readers are? How loving they are? How SMART they are? I am a lucky, lucky girl. And I’m a lucky girl who’s already done her writing for the day, and it’s still early, so I have time to cruise blogs for a bit. I took myself off line this past weekend, almost entirely. Didn’t post, didn’t even check email or any blogs. I need to do that more often. It was quiet and nice. But I missed you.

Have you noticed (of course you have) the lack of Knitting Content? That’s because it’s been slow around Casa Rachael – still working on the Brick Joy cabled DB cardie – only have the back to finish, then joining pieces and picking up and making hood. I find the yarn almost impossible to photograph, so I haven’t bothered. Picture deep red/orange, lots of cables. There. You get it. I sent a pair of RealQuick Socks to a friend recovering from a bad fall – orange and purple Horstia tweed, and I regret I didn’t get a pic of them – they were my first socks made using worsted weight, and they were FAST (just used Wendy’s magic toe-up formula, which works on any size needle, any gauge yarn).

Hey! Bethany’s home. No, I mean it. I haven’t talked to her yet today, but she should be at Mom’s by now. She’ll spend two weeks in California, and then she’s on to settle for a time in Montana where she’ll be working and playing, thanks to an Artist’s Grant that she received from a lovely, lovely, lovely friend. But the road trip that lasted almost a year is over. I’m so proud of her.

Now. Mwah.

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Comments

Yes!, stand tall embrace, be enfolded by and enjoy life in the living of it fully focused and fabulously enthralled by the power of one small word :0) LOVE.
.....and keep up those moments of being unplugged and acoustic, just carry a drum for those urgent calls:0)Relax, revive and renew with pace of a walk not the speed on computer terminal and you'll float round that Marathon on a cloud of well being and oh yes and love.

Hey Rach, a terrible thing happened in your circle of friends, and whether she's a close close friend or an acquaintance, it will still affect you. It is a terrible thing to have happen to someone we know, whatever the circumstances, and whether you are a close friend of not, another human being simply does not deserve to be treated with such utter disregard and disrepect. Everyone should be shocked and appalled and the more people who speak up, the better the world will be.

I've been having a hard time commenting. Your comments seem mad at me. Weird.

Reading about your friend was tough. I told Michelle about it last night while we laid in bed holding hands. I felt so sad.

The fact that these things happen is tough to swallow. Friend, acquaintance, or foe- you don't want to see that happen to anyone.

And I totally have guilt sometimes for slipping under people's radar. Many days I wish I was more visible. But I'm me...and I'm happy with that.

Socks! Yay! You bad-ass knitter, you!

When you made the point that life can always be dangerous, that you can't hide from a certain amount of risk, the thought that occurred to me was the risk you take if you live in fear--if you put yourself out there, you will probably get scared or hurt sometimes, but if you hide, you're almost certain to be unhappy and have a lot of regret. Which is true whether you're talking about bashing or just life in general. Years ago when I was in therapy (because I was literally hiding in my apartment and going out as little as possible) my counselor took out a piece of paper and drew a line. On one end she wrote "risk" and on the other end, "safety." Then, next to "risk," she wrote, "life," and next to "safety," she wrote "death."

This wasn't something that happened just in your world, Rachel, but in all of our worlds. Whether it affected us because we're gay, we have gay friends or collegues, we adore you, or we live on the same plant as gay people, this happened to all of us.

I have thoughts of shock, horror, love, support, and hatred and retribution, but I can't express them any better than this.

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