This Should Shake it UpAugust 25, 2005

Hey. Pssst.

Can you keep a secret?

No, I mean, really. You can't tell anyone. If this got out, oooooh. I'd be in trouble. But I've got to tell someone or I'll just bust.

So, did you hear what happened?

Em goes to the store yesterday and bumps into Wendy in the condiment aisle. There were some words, apparently, about who could kick whose ass, Scout or Lucy. It got ugly. Wendy pulled Em's hair and threatened to spin it. Em whipped out a pair of travel scissors and sliced her corrugated hem.

Seriously, you can't breathe a word of this.

I guess the cat-fight thing only came up because Cari and Claudia had been over in Atlantic City (you already know about their little problem, right? Oh, damn.... Don't tell anyone I slipped, but that's why Claudia's stash is so limited, and why Cari's dog are so small. Their finances are pretty strapped most of the time, if you know what I mean.) Anyway, while they were there, there was the usual blogshop talk, Cari talking about cats versus dogs, how to shop for spinning wheels and elephant tusks, and they were just walking along, and then they saw something.

You'll never guess.

Right there, in Atlantic City, (they were walking back to the motel -- no money left for a cab -- you know how it goes), they ran into the Harlot coming out of this run-down building in a real bad part of town. She looked tore-up, all scared and small, and she was clutching something under her coat. When she saw the girls, she mumbled something about "crack silk haze" but c'mon. We know what she was really talking about, right? Yarn. Yeah, right. You know they don't call her that for nothin'.

Where was I? You're such a good listener. I know I can trust you. Not like that Carrie. She's something else, huh? Twins. Yeah, right. You know she's just making up that twin sister Cathy, right? Glasses on, glasses off, like we're gonna fall for that. I mean, NORma. She's got some nerve, huh?

I never talk like this, really. You don't mind, do you? We all need to vent every now and then, huh? It just gets to me, it all piles up sometimes, and I realize that I'm just so MAD about what I see going on in blogland. Frauds. They're all frauds.

Just look at Ryan and her Dulaan scam. Who's going to believe that knitters made that many items for charity? That's just ridiculous. Just because she has The Mighty Knitter (TMK) at her beck and call to do all that knitting.... Well, I don't think she's paying her enough. All I'm saying.

And I guess while I'm blabbing, I'll just mention this: Iris? That stuff about the temp job? You know she's actually the CEO of a company that imports alpacas to exploit at fiber festivals, right? She's loaded and she has way more fiber than she'll ever be able to use. Okay, I guess I do sound a little bitter. Aren't you?

You really didn't know any of this? Oh, geez. I can't believe I'm such a big-mouth today. Must be the champagne. You know Alison? He always tell me to watch what I'm saying after the bubbly.

Oh, damn. Now that was a big secret to let slip.

We can't gossip any more like this. Lala will be here soon to pick me up, and if she thinks we're in any way involved, like with a capital I, she'll go all pugilistic on you. No, Janine, really. I know I was supposed to help you out of the restaurant and all, what with your foot, but you REALLY don't want Lala to see us with your arm over my shoulder. You know those Buddhists.  Just hop out. C'mon. Hippity hop. You can do it.

And thanks for listening.
 

Comments

[emmaggolly]

Oh Rachel.....there's coffee all over my new flatscreen!

[Ali]

Challenge completed! Yay!

[Kathleen]

Too funny!!

[carolyn]

too funny goofball.

[marichan]

Tee hee! Very funny!

[sarah b.]

THAT was hilarious!!! Thanks for spicing things up around here.

[chris]

OMG, I laughed so hard that I hurt my spleen!

[anj]

*smoking a cigarette* I needed that!

[Carole]

Tee-riffic post! Just what we all need to break out of blog ennui.

[Al Paca]

Dear Rachael:
We here at Unfurnished Industries are, quite frankly, shocked and dismayed at the wild allegations bandied about on your "weblog." Despite the similarity in name, Unfurnished Industries has absolutely no connection to Iris- although, it is my understanding that Iris is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.
I trust this will not happen again.
Al J. Paca

[Amber]

Wow, that was dammmmmn funny. Way to get the writing juices flowing!

[Wendy]

Then there's that Rachael. You know what I heard about her? Hmmmmm?

[claudia]

What a cute little rabblerouser you are.

;-)

[Steph]

Did someone pass you a note with all this information gym class?

[Anita]

ROFL. Now to clean up my keyboard...

[Lee Ann]

Alison's reeeeeeally good at hiding the truth, man...those lacy socks really distract the eye, you know?

[Nathania]

Dude.

[cari]

Ahem.

Step into my office, young lady. I think it's time we had a little talk.

(youfrigginadorablewomanyou) MWAH!

[jackie]

I always knew that bunch was a heap of trouble. Thanks for letting the cat outta the bag. (No, dog! no, cat!)

[Christie]

Those damn knitters are catty bitches.

[Carrie]

OMG, freakin' funny. You are such a riot.

[Deb]

Too funny! Boy, I know who I need to come to when I'm feeling behind on current events!

[Rebecca]

Rach! You outdid yourself today! Lovely!

[Gina]

Very clever and very enjoyable. Thanks for lifting the blahs in blogland!

[margene]

Well, see if I tell you anything! Some grrlfriend you are...but thanks for keeping us up to speed on what's up in Blogland;-)

[Norma]

wait, wait, there's MORE. But I'm at work stealing someone's wireless signal, so I can't tell you just now.....wait 'til I get home. *teehee*, thanks for the great giggle!

[Em]

Holy shit, that's funny!

Al J. Paca's comment is the BEST.

[caroline]

Oah, Rachaelebeest, you are tooooo much!

[J Strizzy]

I'd watch out for that Paca character -- sounds like he's trying mighty hard to sound like "a legitimate businessman," if ya know what I mean.

[Karola]

Rachel you made my day .. it was hysterical:-) thanks Karola

[Emily]

I heard Alison and Norma say they are going to beat you up after school behind the gym. Everyone is going to go watch! I'm even going to miss my bus for it.

[alison]

You can call me Al.

[alison]

Hey, half my comment fell off! As I was saying...

::burps, adjusts crotch, and knits another lace sock::

[jessica~]

Ohmyfuckinggawd. Too funny.

[Jen]

Very cute and so needed!

[Jenn]

Sweetheart, I started reading and started giggling... I read some more and started giggling harder... By the time I got to your comment about "Al", I was about to wet my pants. Those "ladies" are going to be gunning for blood!

[knittingnurse]

That was so very funny. Thanks for lifting up the evening for me!

[Morgan]

water out my nose!!! Thanks for the laugh!! Love it.

[nakachi]

alison is a dude?! damn, i wish my man could knit like that.

[Shar]

Wow, you should have put a warning up first. Attention, before you read this post, swallow and empty your bladder. Hilarious!

[melissa]

Snort! Love it!

[Shannon]

That was hilarious! Thanks for bringing joy to my otherwise boring day!

[Rabbitch]

I was busy with the jug wine out back of the barn and missed most of that. Could you repeat it, dude?

[maya]

oh the hillarity! Thanks for the laugh...

[Kel]

*CACKLE*

[Mandy]

hee hee hee... hee hee hee heee...

[eric clark]

it was fun visiting here. wishing you a great day! my parents didnt told me about it: http://www.winneronline.com , black girls on their mission