Things I Learned Not To Do From Last Night's DreamMarch 29, 2006
1. Do not stand on top of a ladder so someone can hem your dress at the last minute.
2. Do not let some horrid little blonde that you've never met before do your makeup because you will look like Tammy Faye and she and all her sorority sisters will laugh at you.
3. Do remember to bring the veil to the dressing area.
4. If you forget, do not attempt to make one with raffia. This will not work, even if you try for hours.
5. The hole that rips in the back of the dress right over your tuckus should probably be mended. Someone will notice.
6. It is better to take off the dress before letting that horrible, catty blonde sew it up from behind you.
7. Do not accept a package from the UPS guy and let him accidentally carry away your envelope holding your plane tickets and passport.
8. Take off your dress and put something else on before you search his filthy, oily garage. Don't crawl under cars in your dress. You'll regret it.
9. Quit looking at the clock. Yes, you're two hours late now, and you know that your fiance and all your guests have given up on you and are drinking all the booze you spent this week planning, buying, and transporting.
10. If you DO make out with the UPS guy, don't feel guilty. It's a dream, and he's hot. Just do it where that blonde bitch can't see you.
11. Don't agree to transport the cake yourself. If you do, the veil you found will be covered with frosting, you will get in a fender bender, the cake will end up in pieces on the backseat floor, and you'll be arguing in the rain in your torn, oily dress with the other driver and then you'll look up to find your friends and family leaving the church, not sparing you a glance. You will cry and then wake up to realize it's only a dream and Lala's still there and Harriet is snoring and it's okay. So that part of the dream is good.